Journal 2/11/06

Posted by Ms. Babble

February 11, 2006

The wonderful thing about being out here, half way across the world in a strange and unfamiliar country, is that you are allowed time to reflect outside of yourself. I am personally finding that all of my thoughts have been focused on either the past or the future. The present exists, of course, but not in a way that feels familiar to myself. It feels like I’m a walking robot doing my duty while my mind is stuck in self analysis mode. I had posted several “blocked” blogs prior to this one which I have since removed. Even though it was a nice way for me to “spill my guts” about some things, I realized it wasn’t very nice of me to post it here. This is supposed to be a public forum. But there are many things that I know I must keep private including past incidents and present relationships. I tend to value my privacy about these sorts of things intensely. So, I’ve moved those blocked blogs to my personal account seeing as how they’re personal. Sorry to everyone who emailed me or approached me about having access to those blogs. I shouldn’t have posted them here to begin with. Thanks for understanding.

The last couple of weeks have been fairly average for Iraq. Working long shifts as usual. I can feel my patience and helpfulness slowly disolving as each consecutive work day goes by. By the end of 10 days in a row, 12 hour shift days, simple questions like, “Have you seen so-and-so?” or “What’s the number again to the motor pool?”, are driving me absolutely batty. At this point even a simple “Hello. How are you?” makes me cringe and grit my teeth as I fake a smile one more time. I am the center of information. I am the all knowing apex of clinic knowledge. And I am slowly losing my mind in the process. The mundane is driving me a bit crazy which is understandable to anyone who desires challenge and mental stimulation. I find myself scouring the internet for informational blogs and online newspapers in an attempt to fill my head with more than just phone numbers. I try to be more than just someone who can remember the where-abouts of 60 people and accurately relay messages to all of them.

I am also painfully aware that I have it pretty darn good compared to other troops out here. I spend the majority of my time sitting behind a desk. So, I feel very very guilty ever complaining about anything. And I think this is what keeps me from really snapping on myself and other people. I stop myself before I say something I’ll regret and remind myself of how bad it could really be. I wish other people in the unit would realize this as well. (Because not only am I the holder to the Anaconda key of knowledge, I am also a freelance psychologist to people who pass by and stop to chat about whatever happens to be on their mind. I don’t mind letting people unload, because we all need to do that sometimes, but when it’s just flat out complaining about trivial things, then I have no sympathy.)

Anyways, more to come. Thanks to everyone who keeps up with my blogs and all the lovely comments you’ve left or sent me.

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