House Arrest: Journal 6/26/06

Posted by Ms. Babble

June 26, 2006

Today I have placed my self on “house arrest”. The last time I used that term was while I was working for the Illinois Department of Corrections right before I was deployed. Quite often parole agents would order a parolee to stay in the house. It was used as a punishment. Often I would have to call the house to make sure they were staying at home. Other times they were assigned to electronic monitoring and we would watch to see if they roamed outside of the 100 feet distance the box provided. They would wear a plastic band around their ankle like dogs.

But today I have chosen this “punishment” as my own. I’m finding myself feeling
massive anxiety at the thought of seeing a particular person. At first I thought that I
would have enough guts to look him in the eyes. Now that the moment is here, it feels like all I can do is hide. And my earlier decision to speak to him personally about how he made me feel seems to be lost in the sand storms that sweep through our area.

When I woke up today, I couldn’t help but laugh at my childishness. The first thing I did was peak out my window to see if he was moving things out of his room. (He lives directly across from me.) I stared for a good 30 seconds and when I felt it was safe to venture out I started to laugh. I was practically doing a potty dance from the need to go to the bathroom so badly. And my head was beginning to pound without an injection of caffeine. I immediately saw how ridiculous I was being and headed for the bathroom in the clinic.

And there he was. He was talking with someone who had a mess of paperwork in front of her in the clinic. I think his first reaction is what I have been afraid of this whole time. I didn’t quite think the moment would be like this. I was still in a sleepy haze and was clomping in sandals with a towel slung over my shoulder. He looked at me and I looked at him. All I said was, “Hello.” And he smiled. But it wasn’t a smile that I expected. It was a sincere smile. I couldn’t detect a hint of malice in his face. I kept walking, of course, and kept wondering if he even knew yet that I was one of the many who wrote a statement.

When I left the bathroom, I used a door on the other side of the clinic so that I didn’t have to see him again. I’m back sitting in my room with the imaginary dog collar on my ankle. I’m feeling very cowardly at this moment. It amazes me that I’ve been able to go through so much out here without a hitch. But my nerves have never felt as frayed as they do right now.

So, I’ve planned a full day of laziness in the confines of my room. I’ve got a stack of
Star Trek episodes to watch. I’ve just finished the first half of a two book biography on Elvis Presley. And my roommate will be here most of the day to keep me company. Cheers to house arrest!

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