A Cure: Journal 7/29/06

Posted by Ms. Babble

July 29, 2006

Alright kids. I’ve gotten a hold of a haji copy of the L Word 3rd season. (For those of you unfamiliar with the term “haji”… it’s my generations equivalent to “charlie” of the vietnam era, or “kraut” of WWII era.) I’m not usually one to gab about television crap. BUT…

A character in the show dies of breast cancer. It’s not an uncommon theme nowadays. But I gotta tell ya, it really put me in a panic.

I fell asleep a few hours after watching said episode. I woke up in a cold sweat with my heart pounding in my chest. I knew that I had the most horrific nightmares but I couldn’t remember any of it. I couldn’t figure out why the scene of her dying tormented me so much. I had seen shows like this before. They were all equally dramatic and tragic. But what the hell was it that really unsettled me? And then it hit me.

The character died from the “cure”. She died because the chemotherapy knocked out her immune system and she developed an infection. She didn’t die of breast cancer… Everyone did everything they were supposed to do. But she died anyways. For some reason that just completely astounded me. I realized that her character would have actually lived a much longer life if they would have just left the cancer where it was. If they hadn’t pumped her veins with radioactive material, she wouldn’t have slipped away so suddenly.

Then, of course, I started thinking about how we all try to make the right moves in our lives. We try to make the right decisions… the proper courses of action. But the reality is that none of that might not even matter in the long run. The right decisions may actually be the one thing that knocks us out of the game. I see now that that was what my nightmare was about. And that’s the reason why I couldn’t remember any of it because it wasn’t anything I could visually imagine.

Fate. Stream of conscious. Destiny. The rise and the fall. It’s really quite madening to realize that so much is out of our control.

gah.

If I thought I had sleeping problems before…. lol. Here’s just another shovel full of manure to load onto the pile.

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