Hello! My Name is agnostic: Journal 11/25/06
There’s been an unexpected gap between my experiences in Israel and my journaling of it. I think I overestimated my ability to separate myself from such an intense situation and look at it objectively. Now that I’m back home and have each photo and video neatly saved in little computer folders, I can try to sort through it all.Â
Intense. That may be the best way to describe the overall experience and I think that’s exactly how I wanted it to be.  I’ve never been the type of person who would enjoy a vacation in a place like the Bahamas. (Or some other “vacation†type spot.) My brain is a natural sponge. It enjoys observing and processing and analyzing. It needs more than bikinis and margaritas. So I found myself in (arguably) the holiest place in the world.
I’ve written about my religious stance in the past. http://americanbabble.com/?p=40 Â
For those of you in a rush, the bottom line is that I consider myself agnostic. That’s really just a fancy way of saying I haven’t quite figured out what religion I want to align myself with. But I believe in a force greater than our selves and a human spirit and a life after death and blah blah blah.Â
So here I am walking the holiest city in the world; Jerusalem. An agnostic in Jerusalem surrounded by the pulsating beliefs of people who are much more in tune with their religious selves than I may ever be. First impression? This place sure is old. Second impression? I’ve never felt a city with a soul quite like this one. Viewing off the top of Mt. Scopus to the east I saw the outskirt of Jordon. To the west is the sprawl of the city. It was so beautiful to be standing there and seeing it first hand that it was hard to even gasp out loud.
(above) Mt. Scopus, Jerusalem; facing east
(above) Mt. Scopus, Jerusalem; facing west
I visited the room of the Last Supper, King David’s Tomb, the Wailing Wall, and the Church of the Holy Sepulcher amongst other things but I’m finding that it would be next to impossible for me to write about them all. I just don’t have enough knowledge nor care to bore you with details you could easily look up on Wikipedia (even though I found it completely fascinating to hear about it while I was there.) But the Wailing Wall was certainly interesting.
(above) Wailing Wall & Dome of the Rock
I was quite nervous to approach it. We’ve all heard of this place, right? Where people come with a prayer, write it on a piece of paper, and stick it into the wall. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I got down to the wall. How would I feel? Would there be people speaking in tongues? Could they sense that I’m not nearly as religious as they are? Would I all of a sudden feel the spirit of God or Jesus or something??
They split the wall in half for men and women (or rather, 2/3 for the men and 1/3 for the women). Sharon went to his side. Einat and I went to our side. I approached as cautiously as I could but couldn’t help staring at the women reading their holy books with their cheeks nearly touching the wall. Some had pulled up chairs so that most of their body was against it. Others were standing very still while pressing the palm of their hand against the wall in silent prayer. When I finally found a spot to squeeze through, I could see all the little white pieces of paper smashed up in every crack of the rock face. It was only 10am and the wall was already filled with prayers. I spent half my time at the wall just trying to find a spot to place my little piece of folded paper. I finally tried to jam it into a semi-open crack and it immediately fell to the ground with several other pieces of paper. Hmm… I hope that doesn’t effect the outcome of my “wishâ€.
I consciously made sure that I took a moment at the wall once I let go of my prayer. I placed my palm on the wall, mimicking the other women who were there before me. I really did expect to feel a surge or spark or something. I wanted to feel the thousands of years of joy, pain, war, and peace that this city had endured. Perhaps I could understand instantly what all the fighting was for just by touching the wall. I wanted to shake this lack of faith in me and have a revelation smack me in my forehead.
But after a minute I knew it wasn’t going to happen. All I could think about was how people sucked on their pieces of paper so that it could be mashed into the wall easier… or trying to calculate how many unwashed hands have touched this spot where my hand was. This wasn’t the moment nor the place it seems. Or perhaps it was just my mind that wasn’t ready to take on the responsibility of faith. We walked away from the wall backwards (which is apparently the custom) and continued thru the city.
At first I was a bit disturbed that I didn’t feel overpowered by its holiness. There are some who make pilgrimages to this place just to be closer to God. When my moment finally came at the wall, I felt nothing (at least in a religious sense). I could certainly feel the history of the place but there was no shudder of a spirit within me. Granted it wasn’t my intention to find my religious self here, but I thought that perhaps there was a small chance the heavens and I would have some sort of understanding.
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Comments
Maybe you don’t feel anything because there’s nothing to feel.
People don’t have near death experiences and see things from religions they’ve never studied, much less bought into. They see what they expect to see.
The human mind is an amazing thing–you can make it do things, feel things that aren’t there, simply by wanting it badly enough. Maybe you want to feel something but, more than that, you want it to really be real–you don’t want to feel something that isn’t there.
I think there are probably some people who’ve tried so hard to make themselves believe that they’ve actually managed it–people who don’t value the objective truth over what they want to believe. But I don’t think you’re one of those people, and I don’t think you want to be.
I do enjoy reading your journal. I’m glad you’re out and about exploring. That’s what it’s all about (and I don’t mean the hokey pokey). When I have the opportunity, I’d like to see the world myself. For now, I’ll stick to adventures closer to home, but adventures nonetheless. As for your lack of a spiritual experience…all I can tell you is that I’m an atheist. It’s not very romantic, but it works for me;-) I wish you the very best on your own journey, physically and spiritually. Toodles!
Simone Rubin on 
Keith on 
I share your “insensitive†feeling for religion. Every time I am dragged to church or any thing of the sort, I secretly hope that I will feel what the others have found in their faith. Still I am left feeling nothing. Maybe saying I feel nothing is a little strong it is not that I feel nothing, I just do not share the strong feelings of faith others have for religion. Sometimes I wonder what I am missing; perhaps it is nothing. This has led me to wonder if this feeling of religious nothingness is the exact thing that has kept religious somethingness alive in people. Is it that people fill this same nothingness with religion so they no longer have to question? Or is there really something out there to feel and I m missing out on it? UHGG!!! Sorry for rambling! Nice pics!