The Fourth (and final) Exam
Tomorrow is my final (final) exam. But instead of studying….
I think I’m having some sort of existential crisis. After my Shakespeare exam today, I had an anxiety attack that would make Edvard Munch’s paintings look downright placid. After a few hours of being absolutely useless (I couldn’t eat, sit, stand, read, or sleep), I decided to think about my condition logically. After gnawing my fingernails to a nub and blowing out a bucket of fresh tear snot, I realized that since I joined the military seven years ago, my life had been planned. No matter if I agreed with those plans or not, it was decided. When a semester of school ended, I started another one. When I got deployment papers, I went to Iraq (or Kentucky, where I was banished to on my first deployment). But army or school obligations won’t exist anymore after tomorrow.
Now that they’re over, I want to take advantage of this time. I don’t want to start carting my resume/CV around yet. (Or do I?) This is my time to explore by my own free will and not the military’s will. (Right?) Instead, my head is in the toilet trying to puke up food that my nerves won’t stomach. For the first time in a long time I’m feeling very insecure and unsure of myself.
(I’ve used an awful lot of parentheses in this entry, by the way.)
I still can’t help feeling pressure to make the right decisions. I know that it’s perfectly natural to be overwhelmed after college graduation. But damn it! I haven’t graduated yet and I can’t study for my last exam in the state I’m in right now.
Note to self: Philosophical torture shouldn’t be scheduled for another 48 hours. Get a grip.
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Comments
i have the same kind of stomach - and herbal stuff to remedy it. kava kava root. i kinda live on it. lemme know if you need some, but i’m probably too late.
bon chance
Boy to I remember the unexpected depression that overcame me the week before I graduated. Nine years of my life were coming to end, nine years that I fought tooth and nail to get through with little outside support, years that defined me. Who the hell was I if I wasn’t the struggling art student?
Take this time to redine yourself — on your own terms. And congratulations! In a few weeks, you’ll feel golden!
Mommo on 
Skitz M. Jones on 
Acai Berry on 
Ms. Babble on 
Gnawing nails is good for fretboard hand.
If right or strumming hand is also afflicted, use pick to play.
Frequently apply tear-snot to damaged finger tips as it acts as natural self-generated aloe vera.
Play guitar like possesed demon (is that a tautology?).
Blitz exam (like we know you will anyway).
Graduate.
Drink Beer.