It’s no secret that I’ve been having anxiety attacks these last few days. I’d like to take a moment to thank these awesome people:

Einat for talking some sense into me.
Les for leaving work to bring me the kava kava elixir.
My dad for making me laugh (”Records and registration….”).
Betsy for telling me I’m normal.
Nicole for carting me around on my last day of finals for a mini bar crawl.
Everyone who left me a message; Julie, Val, Jack, I’m lookin’ at you.
Finally, Miller Light for being tasty and cheap.

Things that are still making me crazy:

Finally getting a job interview and then being told they wouldn’t get back to me for another two weeks.
Struggling with cigarettes again.
Not relaxing or enjoying this brief time of “no responsiblities”.

Why can’t I just be content in watching movies all day? Why won’t my body let me sleep past 7AM? Why can’t I stomach junk food or drinking all night or unemployment? For the first time in my life, I wished that I didn’t care. But it’s a good thing that I do care because it means that I’ll never be a bum.

I’m obviously not a very good one.

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Tomorrow is my final (final) exam. But instead of studying….

I think I’m having some sort of existential crisis. After my Shakespeare exam today, I had an anxiety attack that would make Edvard Munch’s paintings look downright placid. After a few hours of being absolutely useless (I couldn’t eat, sit, stand, read, or sleep), I decided to think about my condition logically. After gnawing my fingernails to a nub and blowing out a bucket of fresh tear snot, I realized that since I joined the military seven years ago, my life had been planned. No matter if I agreed with those plans or not, it was decided. When a semester of school ended, I started another one. When I got deployment papers, I went to Iraq (or Kentucky, where I was banished to on my first deployment). But army or school obligations won’t exist anymore after tomorrow.

Now that they’re over, I want to take advantage of this time. I don’t want to start carting my resume/CV around yet. (Or do I?) This is my time to explore by my own free will and not the military’s will. (Right?) Instead, my head is in the toilet trying to puke up food that my nerves won’t stomach. For the first time in a long time I’m feeling very insecure and unsure of myself.

(I’ve used an awful lot of parentheses in this entry, by the way.)

I still can’t help feeling pressure to make the right decisions. I know that it’s perfectly natural to be overwhelmed after college graduation. But damn it! I haven’t graduated yet and I can’t study for my last exam in the state I’m in right now.

Note to self: Philosophical torture shouldn’t be scheduled for another 48 hours. Get a grip.

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…I’m freaking out.

Two weeks are left before final exams and I’m trying to decide how to manage my time. A 2000 word essay, two 1000 word essays, a group project, two novels, study for four final exams, and a partridge in a pear tree.

When I was coming home from class, I could feel myself trying to walk faster as if I could add another 30 seconds to my homework time. But the reality is that it doesn’t matter how much extra time I can find. If I keep allowing myself to be overwhelmed by anxiety, then none of it will get done. And that’s where I’m at now.

Alright, breathe. Relax. Focus. Start.

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