An Open Letter To The Customers I Serve

I’m a fraud. And a damn good one at that (if I say so myself). I can make you think that I’m honestly concerned about the crap you buy. If something breaks and you call me to cry, my ear is all yours. If you need a rush on your shipping because it’ll impress the guests at your dinner party next week to have a $3,000 buffet, I’ll coo and snivel right along with you.

But the reality is that, I think you’re hilarious. I’m not a fake, I’m just good at deceiving you. And I think the irony of working at such a materialistic job is what gets me through the day. The irony is that I’m the polar opposite of you. I don’t shop for couches. I don’t own a media stand. I’m proud that I can move on a whim with just my car and a few friends. But it’s shocking how good I am at charging your credit card, pushing these massive pieces of shit across the country,and making you feel good about everything you’ve bought.

There are times when I know you’re going to yell at me. I know you’ll feel like the world is falling on you because of an extended ETA on your custom upholstered chair. I anticipate you thinking that your day or week is absolutely ruined because your media stand has a thin scratch on one side. Even though I know you’ll unload every ounce of frustration and anger onto me, I’ll still dial your number with a steady and firm finger. This is why:

You may be answering a call that could be bringing you much worse news.

I’ve seen enough to know that these things we buy are the least of our worries. Maybe that’s why I think you’re hilarious. And maybe that’s why I’m so damn good at my job. Because I can see right through the frivolity of life and still know when to play it’s game.

Popularity: 28% [?]

Phone Conversation With My Landlord Today

Me: “Sorry to bother you but I’m having trouble with my air conditioner.”

Landlord: “What’s the trouble?”

Me: “Well, I tried to turn it on today but it’s emitting this obnoxious smell that’s making me nauscious and doesn’t seem to be putting out any cool air.”

L: “Did you turn it on correctly?”

Me: “There’s only an on/off button. I pressed ‘on’.”

L: “No no. Didn’t you use the remote?”

Me: “The remote only has an on/off button too. Again, I pressed ‘on’.”

L: “That unit’s less than a year old. I can’t imagine anything is wrong with it. I’ll send someone out to show you how to turn it on.”

As she’s going on about my ineptness in starting an air conditioner, I decide to try it one more time. When I press the “complicated” power button again, the unit literally has a small internal explosion and nearly sets my coffee pot on fire.

Me: “umm… So, when can you have someone out to look at it?”

Popularity: 14% [?]

The feminist in me is rearing her (not so ugly) head

I’ve been getting a clothing catalogue in the mail by a company called Swell. I’m not exactly sure how I got on their mailing list. They market towards surfers and minuscule waif girls. But I was a bit thrilled by their mission statement which (partially) reads, “Swell gets out there to find you the raddest and highest quality products available”. Raddest. They’re bringing back rad! I think that alone makes me drawn to them.

Anyway, my point here is that some copy-write described a pair of jeans they have listed as such:

“Jessica Biel owes her curves to her good genes. Get your own with these.”

And then we see the rear end of a size zero model looking all tragically hip (err… i mean “rad”).

Here’s what I think of this little piece of copy genius:

1. It insinuates that the reader has ugo genes (meaning, you were born plain ugly and are curving in all the wrong places).
2. It hints at the fact that you could fix that unfortunate gene problem by forking over $100 for a pair of jeans (That honestly won’t ever look right unless you wear a size 2).
3. It’s a shamless play on words; genes & jeans.
4. Connecting a piece of clothing that has absolutely NOTHING to do with a celebrity is what I call “blatent body image manipulation”. It leads to self esteem problems. Eating disorders. And financial troubles (just charge the clothes to my credit card!).

I don’t want to be like Jessica Biel. I don’t want you to feel like you should be like Jessica Biel. And I really don’t want little bits of subliminal copy to perpetuate the negative ways that young girls feel about their bodies.

End of rant.

Popularity: 16% [?]

Shtikl

Popularity: 22% [?]

Observations on the first week back in school

The first week of school is over and I’m starting to feel incredibly old. My freshman year at Northern Illinois University was in 1997/98. Ten years later, I’m graduating. But I forgot to account for the fact that I’m also ten years OLDER than most of the other students. They all look like little kindergarteners to me! And it’s really obvious that it’s a new generation who’s swarming into the school. I swear that they talk different. Oh! And they’re ruder than I ever was. I can’t count the number of times I was shoved or pushed in the hallway during everyones massive shuffle to their next class. Is it just that I didn’t notice it before when I was that age? Or is it because I don’t have the same patience I once had?

Also, the classes are PACKED. Full to the brim. Spilling with students.

NIU is clearly banking on their recent success in collegiate football. The extremely high enrollment is being credited to the one friggin’ season NIU football was ranked nationally. They suck now, of course. But for one brief shining moment they rocked America’s socks. Now all these newbie high school graduates are begging to come to NIU. Because of a football season?? It really blows my mind. The decision making process of the masses. (I hear they’re asses.)

In all of my classes I have to make a point to show up at least 15 minutes early… just to get a seat! They’ve allowed so many people to enroll that by the time class starts there’s literally no extra seats. IN FACT, there always seems to be 1 or 2 people who either have to sit on the FLOOR or go scavange a seat from another room. People are paying thousands of dollars to sit on the floor???

I’ve been told that come enrollment in the fall, they’ll be turning people away even if they meet all the school’s requirements. Can you imagine? NIU being picky about it’s student body. gasp! But in the mean time, I may just have to strap one of those fold-out chairs to my back in case of emergency.

Popularity: 13% [?]

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